Always Remembering....Never Forgetting....4 years

Another year has passed and yet it still seems impossible. The pain of losing my mama is still just as hard now as it was when I got that phone call. I miss my mama so much every day. There is never a day that passes that thoughts of her don't come to my mind. It may be some funny thing she did, it may be memories of good times or even bad times. She was such a huge part of my life and the empty spot is still there every single day. I am so thankful for the time I had with her but how I wish she was still here. I wish I could tell her how much she means to me, how much I love her. My mama was and always will be my hero. I wish I could go running to her when the day has been long and hard. So many times, I still reach for the phone just to hear her voice. She was always there for me. I just need to feel her mama arm wrap around me again and whisper in my ear that it will be ok and that she loves me. Nothing can take the place of that and oh, I miss just knowing she was there. I miss the long talks we would have and all the times we would just sit and laugh. She could always bring a smile to my face. I wish I could see her smile. I know she is with me, I can feel her by my side. I feel her when the wind blows through my hair, I see her when a butterfly flutters around my head, I see her eyes twinkle when I look up at the stars and I hear her happiness when I hear the birds sing.

I tried to convince myself today would be better. I wasn't going to cry, I was just going to remember mama and smile at all the good times we had. That isn't working...the day has just began and I can't stop the tears.

I know I posted these last year but I am going to close with these again.

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Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

A special song written by Randy for my mama.


Hello Mary Ann
Butterflies around us now

Lift our hearts up off the ground

Take us far away from here

And wipe away our tears.
Blue sky won't you turn to rain

Wash away our suffering

Help us all feel good again

And forget the pain.
Take it all away from me

Make it how it used to be

The perfect love that I still see

What purpose did it have to be?
Now I lay me down to sleep

Butterflies are in my dreams.

Remind me of a love so deep

Hello Mary Ann.
Everywhere I look I see

The kindness of your love so deep

I only wish that I could see

Your smiling face again.
Butterflies around her now

On her head they placed a crown.

He said you did not let us down.

Hello Mary Ann

Hello Mary Ann.

I am going to leave with the words to this song. It was always mama and my special song and is even moreso now.....she is my hero, she will always be the wind beneath my wings. I miss you mama, and I love you. I can't wait to see you again.


It must have been cold there in my shadow,

to never have sunlight on your face.

You were content to let me shine, that's your way.

You always walked a step behind.

So I was the one with all the glory,

while you were the one with all the strain.

A beautiful face without a name for so long.

A beautiful smile to hide the pain.

Did you ever know that you're my hero,

and everything I would like to be?

I can fly higher than an eagle,

for you are the wind beneath my wings.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,

but I've got it all here in my heart.

I want you to know I know the truth,

of course I know it.I would be nothing without you.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?

You're everything I wish I could be.

I could fly higher than an eagle,

for you are the wind beneath my wings.

Did I ever tell you you're my hero?

You're everything, everything I wish I could be.

Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,

for you are the wind beneath my wings,

'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Oh, the wind beneath my wings.

You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.

Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.

Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.

Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.

Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,

so high I almost touch the sky.

Thank you, thank you,thank God for you,

the wind beneath my wings.

Being Thankful and Staying Positive......a learning process.

I know, this is not the first time I have wrote about this topic here. I guess the fact that learning to be thankful, in ALL things is an ongoing process, a process that isn't always easy. I am working really hard to be thankful for the blessings God has given me. There are so, so many things that are easy to take for granted. I don't really like saying, take for granted, because I really do appreciate all of those things. I guess, some days, the days that are not going the way I hoped or life has thrown a curve ball, it is just harder to stay focused on the "good" things.
I am determined to follow the words of Paul in Philippians 4:4 - 8. I have a long ways to go in this area. The negative thoughts, worries, etc, seem to creep into my head so quickly. I am learning however, to replace those feelings and thoughts. I am really in awe of what a difference it makes when I consciously make an effort to think on the positive side of life. I am working hard to replace the worrisome thoughts with positive thoughts and it is making a difference in me. I am so much more at peace, as I wrote about previously. God's comfort and the hope He gives me is amazing. I find myself praising him more and more each and every day. God is truly AWESOME!!

I have really been trying to spend time daily in my Bible. The more I read, the more I want to keep reading, and learning, and listening to what God is saying to me. I can feel His presence in my life so strongly right now and I want more! It seems I just can't get enough. It has been so long that I have just been "lukewarm" and just had a "whatever" outlook. I can feel feel God's hand at work in my life and it is wonderful! I want to shout is from the rooftops....My God is so good, He's SO GOOD to me.

I am not saying life in general is perfect, it isn't, but, as long as I stay focused on what is important, I will be OK. I have put my trust in the Lord and I know He will not forsake me. He will provide all of our needs. I am so thankful I have that hope and peace that only Christ can give.

Some things I am thankful for are:

Randy: I am so blessed to have a husband that loves me for who I am. I know I am not perfect, I have my little oddities, but he is OK with that. He accepts me just as I am and loves me unconditionally. He works so hard to take care of us and does all he can to provide all of our needs and more. He gives so much of himself to make us happy. We have been married for almost 15 years now and he still makes my heart skip a beat. Yes, we get aggravated with each other and may not always agree, but there is nothing that will tear us apart. Randy is my best friend, my soul mate, my rock. I love him more that words can possibly describe. I am thankful that God brought us together and gave us a marriage we can be proud of. In the world today, so many people view marriage as "just something you do". I am thankful I have a husband who takes it seriously and is committed to work to make our marriage all God has planned for it to be.

Aaron: WOW......I am really in awe of how he has grown. My first baby is no longer a baby, or even a child. Aaron is quickly changing into a wonderful young man. I am amazed daily over how he is growing, not only physically, but spiritually, mentally,and, emotionally. I am very proud of him and praise God for giving me such a wonderful son. He loves life and makes the best of every situation. He is always doing something to try to make someone smile. Aaron has a tender heart and shows love in so many ways. I am so very proud to say he is my son. I know God has special plans for him and I am blessed to be his mama.

Kristen: My baby girl! What an amazing thing to watch my life play out through my daughter. Kristen is so much like me. I look at her and see myself as a girl. Her actions, her thoughts, and yes....even her mood swings, are just like mine were at her age. Her caring ways are so special. She is always willing to lend a hand or help out and doesn't think twice when she is asked to do something. (Well, most of the time) She is going to be an amazing young lady and will make a beautiful wife and mother one day. I praise God for Kristen and the special love she brings to every day.

Morgan: My Momo Monkey! What can I say about Momo? There are so many special things about her. She is so unique, so determined, so independent, so strong. Morgan loves life and loves people. She gives me a new look on life in so many ways. She sets such a great example of how to live each day to the fullest. From the minute she wakes up, she is ready to take on the day and make the most of it. She is always looking for something to do, someone to play with or talk to, or just some way to have fun. She also has a soft spot and is always willing to share. Her uniqueness makes her so special and her smile is contagious. I can't wait to see what she becomes as she grows, I know she will accomplish whatever she sets her mind to. I am very blessed to be a part of God's plan in her life.

Ian: My baby. Still so young, but yet growing into a big boy so quickly. He is so much fun and has such a charming personality. He is so sweet and loves to be a helper. It is bittersweet to watch him growing since he is the last baby but I am amazed everyday as he learns new things. He brings fun and joy to every day. He is always willing to give hugs and kisses and high fives and nothing can brighten my spirits more than when out of the blue, he comes up and says, " I love you berry much Mama." He is what has gotten me through some of the hardest days of my life and I am so thankful that God gave him to us when we needed a ray of sunshine.

I am blessed and I thank God for giving me the family I always prayed for and allowing me the blessing of being able to stay home to care for them. My prayer is that I can always be the wife and mother He wants me to be. I pray I can help my family grow closer to the Lord by setting an example through my own life and actions. I pray that they will see Christ in me and will strive to live Christian lives, pleasing to God, in all that they do.

Of course, there are so many other things I have been blessed with. I could go on and on all day. I am thankful for the sunrise every morning. As I was driving this morning, watching the sunrise in the sky, I was thinking about how God is the source that lights the entire world!! I want to share His light with those around me, I want to be a light in the darkness for others, just as Christ is the light for me. I am thankful for the sunset at night. I love sitting outside as the sun goes down. The beauty can be overwhelming and I thank God for painting such a beautiful artwork for us to enjoy. I am thankful I can look up at the night sky and see the stars and the moon. I am thankful for the birds I hear singing that lift my spirits as I imagine they are singing praises to our Lord, our Creator. I am thankful for the wind that blows through my hair. I am thankful for the flowers that add color and joy to our world. I am thankful for friends. Over the past couple years, I have made some new friends that I know God has placed in my life. These are friends I know I can call on, just to talk, or for a laugh, and even when I need a shoulder to cry on, I know they will be there. The list is never ending and as I am learning to focus on these things, the list just grows and grows.

Perfect Peace

It is late and I am tired but alas, the insomnia strikes again. Actually, the fact that I fell asleep on the couch earlier this evening probably isn't helping. I had a headache though. Anyway, the headache is gone now. I am ready to go to bed but the girls both have friends spending the night and they haven't gone to sleep yet. So, here I am. I don't even really know what I am going to blog about, I am just going to type. Maybe it will make some sort of sense, maybe it won't.

Today has been an odd sort of day, you know, one of those female, emotional type days. I don't really know why, it just was. The strange thing though, even though I have had "stuff" swirling in my mind, I have a constant peace. I know without a doubt where this perfect peace comes from. I am so very thankful that I have that. I am blessed to have Christ as my comforter, my rock, my hope and my peace.

I have been working through a Bible study on worrying. It has really helped me to focus on letting go of things I worry myself over. I am trying really hard to remember, He is in control and I am not. I am not doing any good and I can't change anything by constantly worrying over things. There are several things in my life I tend to worry over. One of those is finanacial ( I know, I am not alone). Well, this past week happened to be one of those extra "tight" weeks. Even though I knew we would have a tight budget, I was feeling at peace. I knew we would be ok and God would provide. I didn't know how, but I just prayed and asked God to be in control, totally giving it over to Him. Friday is the day I get a box of produce from a local farm, I just happened to get an unexpected amount of money that happened to be exactly the price of my box. After picking up the box, I needed to run to the grocery store for a couple items, milk being one of those. As I walked up to the milk cooler, I notice the gallon of milk had a bright red sticker on it. When I got close enough to see, I couldn't believe it!! The milk was marked down to .99/gallon!! There were 3 gallons marked down to that price. I got all 3 gallons for less than the regular price of one. I was praising God right there at the milk cooler!! My prayer had been answered! So, after that find, I walked over to the meat department and what did I find? The meat had also been marked down!! I couldn't believe it, there were packages of pork chops, chicken, ground beef, and steaks for $3 and $4 a piece!! WOW!! God is truly amazing when we let Him work. I was able to purchase enough meat to last us two weeks. I grabbed a few other items, several of which were also on sale. I was so happy as I walked out of the grocery store Friday afternoon. I wanted to tell everyone how AWESOME my God is!!

Another thing that I tend to let worry me is my family travelling. I have a very strong fear when I know Randy or the kids are traveling. This fear is ANY time we are going somewhere, whether it be a mile down the road or 1000 miles. It is also when I am with them but even moreso if I am not going to be with them. Well, Randy will be traveling this week. He is going on a work trip to Oklahoma. This trip involves him flying and driving a good bit as well. I am trying really hard to not be consumed with worry. It is really, really hard. He returns home on Thursday. Aaron will be leaving on a youth summer camp trip early Monday morning. He will be traveling to Tennessee on the church bus. I am praying God will continue to show me his peace throughout the next couple weeks. I know, to some, these fears may seem silly, or like I am making them into a bigger deal than I should, but they are so real to me. I am easily consumed by them and I will literally make myself sick. If anyone reads this, please pray with me and for me. I know God is in control and I want to let Him be, but sometimes it is so hard to do that. Even though, I have not reached the point of not worrying at all, I can say, I do feel more at peace knowing that I can turn to God in the moments that it gets the best of me. I know I can lean on Him and He will be there to carry me through the low points. I praise God for giving me His perfect peace in ALL situations, no matter how big or small they may be. I know He is with me and He will never forsake me.

Through all the ups and downs, all the thoughts tumbling around in my head, I know, without a doubt, I have a steady rock to ground myself in. I know, when it feels I can't go another step, He is there to carry me. When I feel like I am falling, He is there to catch me. It is an amazing feeling to know, no matter what, I have God on my side, and there is nothing else I need. I am learning, though it may not always be an easy lesson, to turn to the Lord for EVERYTHING. He is there and wants me to call on Him and rely on him completly. Over the past week or so, I have really been trying to do just that and I have not been let down. It is so amazing when I realize how God blesses me when I will open myself up to Him and allow Him to be the focus of my life. It is so easy to close the door but WOW!! it is so refreshing to open the door and experience the fresh breath of life He brings in.

Thank you Lord, for being by my side. Thank you for providing all of my needs, even the small things that seem unimportant. You are always there. Help me to keep my door open. Help me to keep my eyes on You and let You work in and through me. I want to grow closer to You, Lord. I want Your light to shine through me. Fill me with Your peace. Thank you Lord for being my rock. Amen.

Wow, It's Been Forever...

It has been forever since I last posted a blog here. Actually, I don't know if anyone even reads or looks at this blog. I guess maybe if I was better at keeping something new here, somebody might want to read it. I am pretty good at keeping out homeschool/life blog updated but I just sort of forget about this one. I need to get better with this one so, this is my attempt to make that happen. I really don't have anything specific to blog about today so this is sure to be a very random entry. Oh well, life is random, right?

I was laying in bed the other night and thinking about my childhood. We were not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination but one thing we were is HAPPY. We lived a very simple life for the most part. We spent a few years living in houses with no electricity or indoor plumbing. Some may think that is crazy or even a horrible way to live. I count it as a blessing, to have been able to experience that life. There are even days, I think it would be so nice to live like that again. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate all the advantages of modern life but some days, the thought of living in a simplistic life would be so nice. The rush and hustle and bustle and the give me more attitude gets tiresome. It is funny to me though, how we call the "old fashioned"way of life, simple, but yet, it required so much more work. People had to work for everything, there was no instant gratification but yet we call it simple. Anyway, I am so glad I experienced the "simple life" and will always treasure the memories I have of that.
I took the kids to a festival here in town on Saturday, Old Effingham Day. We toured some of the displays demonstrating early life in this county. One of the old houses we went into had the kitchen set up and they were actually cooking on an old wood stove. Kristen was amazed that people used that to cook, and when I told her, that is what I learned to cook on she was even more amazed! The lady doing the cooking was also surprised when I told her that. Anyway, back to my thoughts the other night. I decided I needed to journal all those stories, or memories, from my childhood days. As I was telling the lady there, it is so neat to me that even though I am not that old, I still knew what that lifestyle was like to a certain extent. There are not many 30 something year olds that have experienced that. I am lucky, I did. I was thinking how much I loved listening to my mama and daddy telling stories about their lives, and also still love hearing stories from older family members such as my grandmother and aunts and uncles. Now that my parents are gone, I wish that I had all the stories that had told me recorded so I could remember them better. Anyway, I have decided to try to write down my own stories so that my children will have them, as well as my grandchildren and great grandchildren. I am going to try to make this on ongoing effort, by writing them down as I remember them. I am not talking about big events, although, I am sure there will be some of that, but more just the daily life things that happened. Things like funny stories about things we did as kids, or just our day to day life is what I want to focus on. When Kristen was surprised about the old wood cooking stove, it made me realize how many stories there are, that haven't been told. It also reminded me how many stories my parents/grandparent told me that I don't remember, or at least don't remember all the details. I want my kids to have stories to be able to tell their kids. I am trying to decide if I should just write them all here or if I should start a whole new blog for that. Once I have a good bit typed out, I want to print it and make it into a book of some sort.

More to come later....I need to get something accomplished today.