Always Remembering....Never Forgetting....4 years

Another year has passed and yet it still seems impossible. The pain of losing my mama is still just as hard now as it was when I got that phone call. I miss my mama so much every day. There is never a day that passes that thoughts of her don't come to my mind. It may be some funny thing she did, it may be memories of good times or even bad times. She was such a huge part of my life and the empty spot is still there every single day. I am so thankful for the time I had with her but how I wish she was still here. I wish I could tell her how much she means to me, how much I love her. My mama was and always will be my hero. I wish I could go running to her when the day has been long and hard. So many times, I still reach for the phone just to hear her voice. She was always there for me. I just need to feel her mama arm wrap around me again and whisper in my ear that it will be ok and that she loves me. Nothing can take the place of that and oh, I miss just knowing she was there. I miss the long talks we would have and all the times we would just sit and laugh. She could always bring a smile to my face. I wish I could see her smile. I know she is with me, I can feel her by my side. I feel her when the wind blows through my hair, I see her when a butterfly flutters around my head, I see her eyes twinkle when I look up at the stars and I hear her happiness when I hear the birds sing.

I tried to convince myself today would be better. I wasn't going to cry, I was just going to remember mama and smile at all the good times we had. That isn't working...the day has just began and I can't stop the tears.

I know I posted these last year but I am going to close with these again.

note: before playing video, scroll to bottom of this page to stop music.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

A special song written by Randy for my mama.


Hello Mary Ann
Butterflies around us now

Lift our hearts up off the ground

Take us far away from here

And wipe away our tears.
Blue sky won't you turn to rain

Wash away our suffering

Help us all feel good again

And forget the pain.
Take it all away from me

Make it how it used to be

The perfect love that I still see

What purpose did it have to be?
Now I lay me down to sleep

Butterflies are in my dreams.

Remind me of a love so deep

Hello Mary Ann.
Everywhere I look I see

The kindness of your love so deep

I only wish that I could see

Your smiling face again.
Butterflies around her now

On her head they placed a crown.

He said you did not let us down.

Hello Mary Ann

Hello Mary Ann.

I am going to leave with the words to this song. It was always mama and my special song and is even moreso now.....she is my hero, she will always be the wind beneath my wings. I miss you mama, and I love you. I can't wait to see you again.


It must have been cold there in my shadow,

to never have sunlight on your face.

You were content to let me shine, that's your way.

You always walked a step behind.

So I was the one with all the glory,

while you were the one with all the strain.

A beautiful face without a name for so long.

A beautiful smile to hide the pain.

Did you ever know that you're my hero,

and everything I would like to be?

I can fly higher than an eagle,

for you are the wind beneath my wings.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,

but I've got it all here in my heart.

I want you to know I know the truth,

of course I know it.I would be nothing without you.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?

You're everything I wish I could be.

I could fly higher than an eagle,

for you are the wind beneath my wings.

Did I ever tell you you're my hero?

You're everything, everything I wish I could be.

Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,

for you are the wind beneath my wings,

'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Oh, the wind beneath my wings.

You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.

Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.

Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.

Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.

Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,

so high I almost touch the sky.

Thank you, thank you,thank God for you,

the wind beneath my wings.

Three years....... and yet a lifetime....

note: before playing video, scroll to bottom of this page to stop music.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

This is Randy playing a song he wrote in memory of my mama. I will put the lyrics below the video.




Hello Mary Ann

Butterflies around us now
Lift our hearts up off the ground
Take us far away from here
And wipe away our tears.

Blue sky won't you turn to rain
Wash away our suffering
Help us all feel good again
And forget the pain.

Take it all away from me
Make it how it used to be
The perfect love that I still see
What purpose did it have to be?

Now I lay me down to sleep
Butterflies are in my dreams.
Remind me of a love so deep
Hello Mary Ann.

Everywhere I look I see
The kindness of your love so deep
I only wish that I could see
Your smiling face again.

Butterflies around her now
On her head they placed a crown.
He said you did not let us down..
Hello Mary Ann
Hello Mary Ann.

There are so many feeling, so many emotions, that come with this time of year. I don't really know where to start. It is almost like I can't find the words to truly express all that is in my heart. I am just going to type, it may not make perfect sense but it will be from my heart......

Some days, I can't believe it has been 3 years since my mama left this earth, but yet some days it feels like it's been a lifetime since I have been able to talk to her and see her smile. I miss her so much. In fact, even though people like to say "give it time, it will get easier" I think it actually gets harder. It isn't easy, there is nothing easy about it. I long so badly to just sit and talk and laugh with her, to see her smile at me and tell me everything will be okay, to have her hold me and tell me she loves me, just to share life with me.

I try to stay focused on the good memories, really I do. There are so many of them and I am thankful for each and every one, but, then I think of all the ones we could have still made if she was still her. I wish I could still be sharing all the little things, the things that don't seem important to anyone but me that she would have listened to me talk about and shared in my excitement. I want to be able to share the not so good thing with her like I used to. She would have listened to those too, and helped me get through them. I am not talking about big events or anything, just the ups and downs of being a wife, a mother , a woman....she was always there to listen. I am so thankful and I know I was blessed to be able to have such an amazing relationship with my mama. She was more than my mother, she was one of my best friends.

It just isn't fair. I know nobody said life was fair but that doesn't take that feeling away. It isn't fair that someone who was loved so very very much, someone who enjoyed life like she did, someone who loved like she did, be taken so soon. She had so much to live for, so many to live for. It is hard not to be angry. I know she is in a better place and I am looking forward to the day we will be reunited, but I still get mad when I think of all she isn't to share with us. It hurts and makes me angry when I think of all the things I wish I would have said......if I had only know how little time was left. I would have told her I loved her more, I would have spent more time with her instead of saying I didn't feel like going to her house just to hang out. If only I had known..............if only.....

I am thankful for the time I had with my mama, for all the lessons she taught me. I have really been thinking a lot recently how my life is so much like hers. I find myself smiling when it occurs to me something I just did or said was something she would do or say. She taught me so much but I think the thing I am most thankful for it the lesson she taught me about love. First of all, is to love the Lord and put my faith in Him alone. Secondly, to love my family unconditionally. She was so good as showing love to all of us, she was always there for us, no matter what. Maybe she didn't like the things we were doing, but she still loved 100%. Thirdly, she taught me to love others as well, to always reach out to lend a helping hand if it was needed. She never hesitated to love someone, if it they didn't seem lovable, she never cared what anyone might think of her for loving "the unlovable". I think this trait is one that EVERYONE remembers about her. Her heart was so big and had so much love. She was an awesome example of honest to goodness LOVE. I pray that others see the same trait in me. I want to be remembered like that when I am gone. I want people to know I loved. I am striving to show that Christlike love to every person.

Another lesson she taught me that I cherish, is to be happy with my life. Even when things are hard, when things aren't going as I had planned, when thing just aren't perfect.......be happy and be thankful for the blessing I do have. She taught me that material things do not mean anything at all. She taught me how to smile when there didn't seem to be anything to smile about. I am so thankful that I learned this from her. I really do strive to stay happy in all circumstances. I am not saying that I don't get sad, or angry, or scared, or nervous or whatever other feeling, just that deep down in my heart I can be happy with my life, truly happy.

Thirdly, and this one goes hand in hand with being happy, she taught me to have fun! Oh, did she ever know how to have fun. She loved life and it showed. She always found a way to make others smile and laugh, whether it was making a silly face, pinching them with her toes, tickling, poking, picking, or just being herself. When she was around, you knew it would be fun! When we were kids she was always trying to come up with something fun to do. It may have been making a craft, cooking or baking, going for a walk or just playing on the floor with us or snuggling in her bed. She taught me how to enjoy life and I hope that I can show my children and those around me just a little bit of what she taught me.

My mama was my friend, and my hero. I thank God for her and all she taught me. I pray that I can be to my children what she was to me. I can't wait to see her again and spend eternity with her....never to be separated again.

I know this lifetime is but a moment in God's eyes. I know His plan is perfect. I am thankful I have the hope He gives. I don't know how anyone who doesn't believe can survive times like this. It is only through Christ, I find my strength, my comfort, my hope. He is the one who carries me through the days, when I just don't have the strength to do it on my own. I treasure the comfort He gives me when I just want to sit in a corner and cry. I know He is with me and He will never leave me. I know He has my life in His hands and He has the perfect plan, even if I don't understand or maybe I don't even like it, I will trust Him.

I miss you mama, I will never ever forget you. You will always be in my heart and a part of my life. I will always keep your memory alive. I love you.