My mama....

Sitting here with so many thoughts running through my head. I had planned to write something great for Mother's Day.....something well thought out and touching. The words just haven't came to me so I am just going to write..........it won't be anything fancy or spectacular but it is what is in my heart.

Mother's Day is by far the hardest day of the year for me now. I am not saying other holidays or special occasions don't hurt, but Mother's Day has been the worst. It is such a bittersweet day. I want so badly to focus on the good times, and remember all the happy times. I do this, but it doesn't hide the pain, the empty spot. How I wish my mama was still here, to share the day with me, so we could sit together and talk and laugh and just be together. I want to tell her just one more time that I love her, that I am so blessed to have called her my mother and my friend. If I had only known......I could have told her thank you for all the times she stood behind me, all the times she loved me unconditionally when it seemed no one else cared, all the tears she wiped from my cheek and all the hurts she kissed away. I always knew no matter what, I could go to her, we could talk about anything and everything. I had so much pride in telling people my mama was one of my best friends. To so many, that seemed like such a strange thing, to me.....it was one of the greatest feelings in the world. I wish I hadn't taken the time I had with her for granted, I wish I had told her more often what it meant to me to be able to say we were friends. I hope and pray that my kids will feel the same way about me and will always know that I will love them unconditionally.
It makes me sad that my children will grow up not having their grandma in their lives. I am thankful that they do have memories of her and I am determined to keep those memories alive for them. I want them to know how much she loved them and how special they were to her.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. It doesn't make a difference what is happening, something big or just day to day life. We shared everything. I miss being able to pick up the phone and just talk while I folded laundry, or washed the dishes. I miss being able to call her just to tell her it had been a stressful day and hearing her tell me tomorrow would be better. I miss being able to call her for no reason at all but somehow we would manage to stay on the phone for an hour or longer. I miss having my mama close enough that when it had been a bad day, all I had to do was call and she would come over. I miss her and it hurts.

I know she would want me to be happy, to remember all the good times and wonderful memories. I know this and I try, I really do try but that doesn't make the tears stop or the empty spot in my heart go away. I know one day, the pain will go away, the day when I see her smiling face again when we meet in heaven. This is the one thing that gets me through each day. I thank God for the peace and comfort that could only come from HIM. I thank HIM for giving me the hope that I will see my mama again one day......and it will be forever, there will be no more goodbyes, no more tears, no more pain and emptiness. We can sit and talk and laugh for hours. I can smile now, even through the tears, knowing that we will be together again one day.
For now, I will rejoice that she is in such a better place, singing praises to our Lord ( and I am sure she is finding someone to pinch, or poke, or pick at too). I will continue to look for her presence through the butterflies around me and the sun rays through the clouds.

I could go on forever, but I will close for now.
Happy Mother's Day Mom. I love you and miss you.