Reconnecting is so Refreshing.....

I haven't posted here in quite a while now. I guess I need to make more time to do that. I try to save this blog for more personal type posting though and there is so little time for "personal" stuff it seems. My days are full but I really do love it that way. However, it is nice every now and then to make some time for me.....or as was the case last night, our marriage.


Yesterday, Randy and I decided we needed some time alone. All too often we get so busy and caught up with day to day life, we let "us" get pushed aside. It is so easy to do when you are raising a family. Anyway, we decided to let Aaron babysit while we went for coffee. It was nice to just sit and talk quietly in a relaxing atmosphere, without being interrupted. I am not saying I don't love my kids but sometimes that alone time is really needed. After our coffee, we rode back out to the fair for a few minutes. At the gate, they gave us coupons for one free ride so we rode the Ferris wheel. We walked around looking at all the displays for a bit then headed home.


It is so refreshing to have just a small bit of time to reconnect and remind ourselves what it was that made us fall in love to begin with. It wasn't anything spectacular or fancy, just a couple hours of being together and I feel so renewed in our marriage. I am really going to make it a priority to do something like this at least once a month or so. It isn't always easy to get away but we need to make it happen.

Now, this morning, I was thinking about our time together last night and what a difference just a little bit of time together makes. I was thinking how that is exactly what the Lord asks us for too, just a little bit of time together. What a difference it would make in our lives, our walk with Christ if we just take that little bit of time for Him. Just like our simple date, that is all Jesus asks for, it doesn't have to be some huge extravagant deal, just a few simple minutes focusing on Him, talking to Him. Such a simple thing really, but yet, we tend to brush it to the side, saying, I just don't have time or I'm too busy.
I am writing this mostly to remind myself, but also as a reminder to anyone reading that we need to take the time regularly to spend with the Lord and Saviour, just as I did with my husband. I need to make that commitment to build my relationship with the Lord, to become stronger in Him. Relationships don't just happen, it takes work and time and devotion. It is something so easy to do, just a bit a time, yet also so easy to just sweep under the rug and say.......I'll do it later.

Three years....... and yet a lifetime....

note: before playing video, scroll to bottom of this page to stop music.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

This is Randy playing a song he wrote in memory of my mama. I will put the lyrics below the video.




Hello Mary Ann

Butterflies around us now
Lift our hearts up off the ground
Take us far away from here
And wipe away our tears.

Blue sky won't you turn to rain
Wash away our suffering
Help us all feel good again
And forget the pain.

Take it all away from me
Make it how it used to be
The perfect love that I still see
What purpose did it have to be?

Now I lay me down to sleep
Butterflies are in my dreams.
Remind me of a love so deep
Hello Mary Ann.

Everywhere I look I see
The kindness of your love so deep
I only wish that I could see
Your smiling face again.

Butterflies around her now
On her head they placed a crown.
He said you did not let us down..
Hello Mary Ann
Hello Mary Ann.

There are so many feeling, so many emotions, that come with this time of year. I don't really know where to start. It is almost like I can't find the words to truly express all that is in my heart. I am just going to type, it may not make perfect sense but it will be from my heart......

Some days, I can't believe it has been 3 years since my mama left this earth, but yet some days it feels like it's been a lifetime since I have been able to talk to her and see her smile. I miss her so much. In fact, even though people like to say "give it time, it will get easier" I think it actually gets harder. It isn't easy, there is nothing easy about it. I long so badly to just sit and talk and laugh with her, to see her smile at me and tell me everything will be okay, to have her hold me and tell me she loves me, just to share life with me.

I try to stay focused on the good memories, really I do. There are so many of them and I am thankful for each and every one, but, then I think of all the ones we could have still made if she was still her. I wish I could still be sharing all the little things, the things that don't seem important to anyone but me that she would have listened to me talk about and shared in my excitement. I want to be able to share the not so good thing with her like I used to. She would have listened to those too, and helped me get through them. I am not talking about big events or anything, just the ups and downs of being a wife, a mother , a woman....she was always there to listen. I am so thankful and I know I was blessed to be able to have such an amazing relationship with my mama. She was more than my mother, she was one of my best friends.

It just isn't fair. I know nobody said life was fair but that doesn't take that feeling away. It isn't fair that someone who was loved so very very much, someone who enjoyed life like she did, someone who loved like she did, be taken so soon. She had so much to live for, so many to live for. It is hard not to be angry. I know she is in a better place and I am looking forward to the day we will be reunited, but I still get mad when I think of all she isn't to share with us. It hurts and makes me angry when I think of all the things I wish I would have said......if I had only know how little time was left. I would have told her I loved her more, I would have spent more time with her instead of saying I didn't feel like going to her house just to hang out. If only I had known..............if only.....

I am thankful for the time I had with my mama, for all the lessons she taught me. I have really been thinking a lot recently how my life is so much like hers. I find myself smiling when it occurs to me something I just did or said was something she would do or say. She taught me so much but I think the thing I am most thankful for it the lesson she taught me about love. First of all, is to love the Lord and put my faith in Him alone. Secondly, to love my family unconditionally. She was so good as showing love to all of us, she was always there for us, no matter what. Maybe she didn't like the things we were doing, but she still loved 100%. Thirdly, she taught me to love others as well, to always reach out to lend a helping hand if it was needed. She never hesitated to love someone, if it they didn't seem lovable, she never cared what anyone might think of her for loving "the unlovable". I think this trait is one that EVERYONE remembers about her. Her heart was so big and had so much love. She was an awesome example of honest to goodness LOVE. I pray that others see the same trait in me. I want to be remembered like that when I am gone. I want people to know I loved. I am striving to show that Christlike love to every person.

Another lesson she taught me that I cherish, is to be happy with my life. Even when things are hard, when things aren't going as I had planned, when thing just aren't perfect.......be happy and be thankful for the blessing I do have. She taught me that material things do not mean anything at all. She taught me how to smile when there didn't seem to be anything to smile about. I am so thankful that I learned this from her. I really do strive to stay happy in all circumstances. I am not saying that I don't get sad, or angry, or scared, or nervous or whatever other feeling, just that deep down in my heart I can be happy with my life, truly happy.

Thirdly, and this one goes hand in hand with being happy, she taught me to have fun! Oh, did she ever know how to have fun. She loved life and it showed. She always found a way to make others smile and laugh, whether it was making a silly face, pinching them with her toes, tickling, poking, picking, or just being herself. When she was around, you knew it would be fun! When we were kids she was always trying to come up with something fun to do. It may have been making a craft, cooking or baking, going for a walk or just playing on the floor with us or snuggling in her bed. She taught me how to enjoy life and I hope that I can show my children and those around me just a little bit of what she taught me.

My mama was my friend, and my hero. I thank God for her and all she taught me. I pray that I can be to my children what she was to me. I can't wait to see her again and spend eternity with her....never to be separated again.

I know this lifetime is but a moment in God's eyes. I know His plan is perfect. I am thankful I have the hope He gives. I don't know how anyone who doesn't believe can survive times like this. It is only through Christ, I find my strength, my comfort, my hope. He is the one who carries me through the days, when I just don't have the strength to do it on my own. I treasure the comfort He gives me when I just want to sit in a corner and cry. I know He is with me and He will never leave me. I know He has my life in His hands and He has the perfect plan, even if I don't understand or maybe I don't even like it, I will trust Him.

I miss you mama, I will never ever forget you. You will always be in my heart and a part of my life. I will always keep your memory alive. I love you.

Friends

I have been feeling really blessed in the friend department lately. It is nice to really feel "connected" with other people. First of all, my best friend, Gail, has been going through a lot and we just haven't had the time to spend together in the past year or so. It was really starting to bother me that we were not talking much. I felt like our friendship was slipping away. This was not happening due to some "issue" or bad feelings or anything between us, it was just life getting in the way. Last weekend, we were able to "re-connect" by going on an overnight trip together to the Women of Faith conference. It was so nice to just hang out and catch up! Speaking of the Women of Faith conference, it was not just Gail and I that went. My dearest neighbor and close friend was also able to go with us. I am so thankful to have Lisa as my friend. It is funny to me how we have known each other for years but never really worked to develop a friendship. I mean, we were friendly to each other but didn't go out of our way to talk or anything. It was more of a "speak to each other in passing" sort of friendship. Anyway, little did I know, when we moved in next door to her a little over a year and a half ago, that she would become one of my closest friends. She has truly been a blessing to me over this time. I am sure she doesn't realize it but she has. I think a big part of this blessing comes from her example of loving God. No matter the circumstance, she holds strong in her faith. She has played a big part in my growing closer to the Lord and getting my life, and my heart, back where I need to be. Now, I know I am far from where I *NEED* to be in this area, but I am working on it and I have come a long way from where I was a couple years ago. I thank her so much for gently showing me and reminding me, once again the path I need to be on. The amazing thing is, she probably doesn't even know she has done this!! I do have to say though, even though it may sound as if our friendship is more the serious kind, there is more to it. We have laughed and cried together and shared the majority of our day to day lives together in the past year and a half as well. It has been a lot of fun to say the least!! I am so glad to have her in my life to call my friend.
Now, back to the Women of Faith conference, I wanted to share a few pictures!! Gail, Lisa and I met up with my sister and some of her friend from her church in McDonough! We had a great time and even survived having 8 of us share one hotel room Friday night!!! That in itself should win an award!! HAHAH! I guess I should clarify a little, this was not a normal hotel room. We had a 2 bed/2 bath suite so there was plenty of room and TWO bathrooms!! LOL. The neat thing was that this was the first time we had been together, and it was like we have always known each other. We had a great time!!








The whole group



My sister and I!





Now, last, but not least, I have to mention my newest friend. This friendship was just sort of laid in my lap for lack of a better term! I'll start at the beginning.........I volunteered to help with Vacation Bible School at the church we have started attending back in the beginning of June. I figured, since I was new, and since I was going to be there with the kids anyway, this would be a good way to meet some people from the church and get to know some of them. So, I was asked to be in charge of one of the registration/sign in tables for the first couple days and then the rest of the week I would just be a runner or help out wherever I was needed. Sounded good to me! Bright and early Monday morning, we arrive at the church to start the week. I go find Mrs. Cheryl to let her know I was there and find out which table I need to be at. She showed me what I needed to do but then says " Oh, BTW, we ended up needing more workers so I went ahead and put you down to work in the K class for the week." OK, that was fine with me too. At our old church, I always taught the K class for VBS so this was perfect. Once we finished up with registration, I went to join up with the K class and meet the other workers. There were 5 of us ( 38 kindergartners takes lots of workers!!). After we all met and started discussing what we were going to do, Stephanie walks up to me and lets me know my name was at the top of the list as being the "leader"!! UMMMMM.....OK, LOL, I didn't know anything about what was supposed to be done but I did the best I could. Anyway......to make an already long story short, Stephanie just sort of "clicked" after that. We had never met or even laid eyes on each other before that morning but by the end of the second day, it was like we had known each other for life. The more we talked the more we found we had in common, such as, we both have sons with the name Tyler ( Aaron's middle name), we both have a 5 yr old daughter named Morgan, our husbands are both Randy, we are the same age and our b-days are only 4 days apart, our husbands birthdays are 5 days apart and our 10 year olds b-day's are 5 days apart. We think the same about a lot of things and just in general have so much alike!! It was like an instant friendship. Even the other ladies we worked with for VBS had thought we were friends before that week. They were shocked to find out we had just met that Monday morning. Since VBS Stephanie and I have gotten together several times just to hang out. Even though we have only known each other since June, it is like we have always been together. This is a friendship that formed quickly but I think will last a lifetime. (I mean, you have to know, when you can visit each other's house and just come in and make yourself at home by sprawling out on the couch, you have found a good friend, right Stephanie?!?!?! ) You know I love ya girl!!

14 years!!

Well, yesterday marked 14 years....14 of the best years in my life. Randy and I celebrated our anniversary with a quiet and relaxing day. It was nice to spend the day just reflecting on all we have been blessed with in our marriage. In the world today, so many people seem to take being married for granted and have a whatever type of attitude. I am so thankful that we have such an amazing relationship and we are both in for the long haul! This is not to say we haven't had ups and downs, because if we hadn't we wouldn't be normal. We have definitely had our share of good days and bad days too. The important thing is we have held on to each other and made it through the not so good time TOGETHER, as a team and it has made us stronger as a couple. I am so blessed to have this man to call my husband. I am honestly living my childhood dream and Randy is my knight in shining armour. He is my rock, my soul, my everything. I am so proud to be called his wife and to be by his side, his partner in life.

I can't help to look back to when we first met and when we told people we were going to be married. I was young, and everyone, well almost everyone, said it would be a mistake and we wouldn't make it. I love hearing them eat those words today, when they tell me how perfect we are together and how they never would have thought it would turn out so well. All I can say is ....the next 14 years are going to be even better!!

I love you Randy, today, tomorrow and forever. T.T.S.F

SURPRISE!!

Well, today is my birthday! Another year older, it is okay, actually, I like being "30-something"......33 to be exact. I don't have anything special going on, just another day, which is fine with me. Kristen had her friend, Olivia, spend the night last night. Apparently, after I went to bed and had told them it was time for bed(this was at 12:45am), they stayed up...............this is what I found when I came into the kitchen this morning at 6am!!

Here are close ups of the pictures.....

...these were all over the counters, I just put them all together for the picture...

this is the one that was on the window....

It was a really sweet surprise!! I didn't hear them doing it at all. It is nice to be loved!!

I was thinking about birthdays, and how they change as you get older. The excitement and aticipation your birthday holds when you are young...slowly starts to fade. Now on my birthday, I like to think about how blessed I am to have been given another year to be with my family and just enjoy life. It isn't so much about me but about all that God has blessed me with in my life. Sure, there are hard times but the good times and the awesomeness of GOD far outweigh the bad times. It is so easy to get caught up in "life" and not take time to enjoy it, and be truly thankful for it. Today, for my birthday, I am going to focus on how blessed I have been over the past 33 years, and thank God for giving me each and every one of those days. I am looking foward to the next year of being able to live the life God has given me!!

So far So Good!

Today has been one week since I started trying to get in shape. So far, it is going pretty well. When I started last Monday, I decided to avoid getting on the scale every day. I got on the scale Monday and then didn't again until Sunday afternoon. I figured since it was in the middle of the day, and had only been a week, there wouldn't be that much of a difference. Well, wasn't I surprised when I have gone down 4 pounds!! This really made me feel good and gave me a great motivation to keep going.
I am off to a good start this morning. I got up early with Randy and Aaron and once they left for work, I went walking for about 30 minutes. It is amazing how a little fresh, crisp morning air will energize you for the day. I feel awake and ready to go!! My goal this week is to continue watching what I am eating and also start walking early in the mornings. I am going to start doing sit ups as well to shape up.
4 pounds down....16 to go!!

Eagle Star Academy Blog

I finally got our homeschool blog set up. Come see what the class at Eagle Star Academy is up to these days!!
http://eaglestaracademy.blogspot.com/

Just some random thoughts....

In the midst of paying bills yesterday, and feeling myself getting more and more depressed over things, I had to remind myself to stop trying to handle things on my own. I think being a woman, (or at least a woman who likes to have things under control), this is a hard thing to do. It is so hard to "let go" of situations and truly let God have my problems, to lay my burdens at His feet and hand over the reigns so to speak. You know how that superwoman instinct kicks in, and the "I CAN DO THIS ON MY OWN" attitude strikes. So, the longer I sat there and stressed and worried and tried to figure things out, the harder it became, there didn't seem to be a solution. I laid my papers and pen down for a minute and made myself stop to pray........while I was praying, I had a vision of Jesus carrying the cross. WOW!! It never ceases to amaze me how God speaks. Here I was....trying to carry the load, trying to *carry my cross* when all I have to do it turn to the Lord for He has ALREADY carried that cross for me!! I know, this isn't the typical comparison of Jesus carrying the cross....but at that moment yesterday it was the perfect reminder to me that I don't have to do this alone, that Jesus is right there, and willing to help me carry the burden, whatever that burden may be, He is there, all I have to do is let him.

Thank you Jesus for carrying the cross when I feel like I can't go on another step. Thank you Lord for being there to carry the load when I have crumbled under the load. Thank you God for showing me again there is hope and that hope ONLY comes from my Father in Heaven.

I can do this...

I have finally decided I am going to do this. I have been saying I will start on Monday long enough so now the time has come. I am determined to get myself in shape and loose some of this weight that has crept on over the past year or so. My goal is to loose 20 pounds. I know not feeling good about myself has been a big part of my down mood lately and I am tired of feeling this way. I know in order to keep myself motivated though, I need some accountability. Every week for the past few months, I have just kept it to myself that I was going to start working on it so if I didn't do it, I wouldn't have to "answer" to anyone. Now, I am making it known so that I will stay on track and stick to it. So, wish me luck....the journey has begun!!

Philippians 4:13: I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Celebrating a Miracle !

Three years ago today, we experienced a miracle of our very own. When Morgan was just over 2, she drowned in our backyard pool. May 14th, 2004 was one of the worst days and also one of the best days of our lives. It is for sure a day we will never forget. Today we praise the Lord that He saw fit to bless us that day and that have Morgan here with us today! I made a little video this morning in honor of our miracle. I hope you enjoy........

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Mother's Day

This morning I am praising the Lord, thanking Him for allowing me to be a mother. What a blessing to be entrusted by God to care, nurture and raise these 4 children! Although Mother's Day brings me great sadness, I also know I have so much to be grateful for too. I have so much joy in being a mama. If I am known for one thing when my days on earth are gone, I pray that one thing is that I was a great Christian mama to my kids. I want my children to see Christ's love in me and flowing from me. I want them to always know I love them and I am so very proud to be their mama. Each of them are so special to me for each one is a true miracle, a gift from God. I pray that I can raise them to be Godly people who are strong in the walk with the Lord. I pray they will live within God's will for their lives and not stray from the path He has planned for them. I want them to know that they will always be loved.
My prayer this morning is that God will help me stay focused on all the blessings I have been given. I want to spend the day reflecting on His greatness and His beauty. I want to sing praises to my Lord for so giving me so many reasons to be happy, so many gifts to be thankful for. I am so glad that I can find comfort knowing that I can lay my sorrows at the feet of Jesus and find happiness and peace in and through Him.

Also today, even through the tears, I will praise the Lord for giving me the wonderful mother I had. I want to praise Him for the years I had with her and for the eternity we will one day have together again!! Oh what a day that will be when we reunite. Until then, I know there will be sad times and more tears, but I am so thankful that He promises us eternity. I am so blessed to be able to say my mother was also my friend. I have so many memories that I will hold dear to my heart and give thanks to the Father for those treasures that will always keep her near. I recieved this verse in an email this morning "I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name" (Isaiah 45:3). Indeed, I have treasures in the darkness, the memories I hold in my heart will forever be my treasures.

My mama....

Sitting here with so many thoughts running through my head. I had planned to write something great for Mother's Day.....something well thought out and touching. The words just haven't came to me so I am just going to write..........it won't be anything fancy or spectacular but it is what is in my heart.

Mother's Day is by far the hardest day of the year for me now. I am not saying other holidays or special occasions don't hurt, but Mother's Day has been the worst. It is such a bittersweet day. I want so badly to focus on the good times, and remember all the happy times. I do this, but it doesn't hide the pain, the empty spot. How I wish my mama was still here, to share the day with me, so we could sit together and talk and laugh and just be together. I want to tell her just one more time that I love her, that I am so blessed to have called her my mother and my friend. If I had only known......I could have told her thank you for all the times she stood behind me, all the times she loved me unconditionally when it seemed no one else cared, all the tears she wiped from my cheek and all the hurts she kissed away. I always knew no matter what, I could go to her, we could talk about anything and everything. I had so much pride in telling people my mama was one of my best friends. To so many, that seemed like such a strange thing, to me.....it was one of the greatest feelings in the world. I wish I hadn't taken the time I had with her for granted, I wish I had told her more often what it meant to me to be able to say we were friends. I hope and pray that my kids will feel the same way about me and will always know that I will love them unconditionally.
It makes me sad that my children will grow up not having their grandma in their lives. I am thankful that they do have memories of her and I am determined to keep those memories alive for them. I want them to know how much she loved them and how special they were to her.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. It doesn't make a difference what is happening, something big or just day to day life. We shared everything. I miss being able to pick up the phone and just talk while I folded laundry, or washed the dishes. I miss being able to call her just to tell her it had been a stressful day and hearing her tell me tomorrow would be better. I miss being able to call her for no reason at all but somehow we would manage to stay on the phone for an hour or longer. I miss having my mama close enough that when it had been a bad day, all I had to do was call and she would come over. I miss her and it hurts.

I know she would want me to be happy, to remember all the good times and wonderful memories. I know this and I try, I really do try but that doesn't make the tears stop or the empty spot in my heart go away. I know one day, the pain will go away, the day when I see her smiling face again when we meet in heaven. This is the one thing that gets me through each day. I thank God for the peace and comfort that could only come from HIM. I thank HIM for giving me the hope that I will see my mama again one day......and it will be forever, there will be no more goodbyes, no more tears, no more pain and emptiness. We can sit and talk and laugh for hours. I can smile now, even through the tears, knowing that we will be together again one day.
For now, I will rejoice that she is in such a better place, singing praises to our Lord ( and I am sure she is finding someone to pinch, or poke, or pick at too). I will continue to look for her presence through the butterflies around me and the sun rays through the clouds.

I could go on forever, but I will close for now.
Happy Mother's Day Mom. I love you and miss you.

Hearing God Speak in the Little Things...

I was searching for some music online this morning and came across this song by Third Day. I have heard the song before but never really "listened" to the words. This morning I listened and it just spoke to me. It is funny how we can hear a song forever and then one day it just stands out in a special way. I like to think of it as one of God's special ways of speaking to us, or giving us a message just when we need it. When I listened to this today, it brought tears to my eyes. This song describes just how I have been feeling the past little while. Hearing this, this morning, was a reminder to me of where I need to be. God has NEVER left my side, even though I was pretending He wasn't there, He was right there waiting for me . He never promised us a life that was easy and without pain, suffering and heartbreak but He DID promise that He would never leave us, never forsake us. What an awesome God we serve!! His grace is amazing, His love for us is amazing. I feel like I can not even begin to put His greatness into words. I am so thankful that I have the hope and comfort He gives and can lay all my worries and problems at His feet and know that He is in control and only through Him, can I get through whatever my journey brings.

Mountain of God
Thought that I was all alone
Broken and afraid
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

And I didn’t even know
That I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

‘Til You opened up my eyes
I never knew
That I couldn’t ever make it
Without You

Even though the journey’s long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who’s gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I’ve been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

As I travel on the road
That You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
That You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

I confess from time to time
I lose my way
But You are always there
To bring me back again

Sometimes I think of where it is I’ve come from
And the things I’ve left behind
But of all I’ve had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare
With what’s in front of me
With what’s in front of me

ARRGGHH

AAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHH just ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH..okay I feel better now..............I think.

The small things....

I am really trying to pay attention to the small things in life. I mean really looking to see God's hand in my life in EVERYTHING, the good and the bad. So, today, maybe was some of the bad stuff, I apparently caught a tummy bug from who knows where. It hit me around noon and needless to say, not much was accomplished since then. Yeah, it was a little harder to notice the "blessings" while feeling so icky but I did it anyway. I am determined to make this a habit. The first thing that really touched me was Aaron, my oldest. He is very helpful and he knew I wasn't feeling well. He asked to go to a friend's house and I told him he could go for a while ( just down the street). I was outside trying to see if the fresh air would perk me up and taking the puppy out too. Ian was running around the yard playing and I just wasn't feeling like playing. Well, I was surprised to see Aaron come back home after only a few minutes. I asked him to play with Ian on the swing for a few minutes and he happily said sure. Well, then he wanted to take Ian to play on the big dirt hill in the back. My heart just melted as they gathered up Ian's Tonka dump truck and another truck and set off across the yard. Ian riding in the Tonka and Aaron pushing. It was so nice to see my boys together just having fun. Aaron is such a good big brother. I am blessed to have such a great teenager to call my son!
The second time I had to stop to thank God was this evening, I was laying on the couch and the kids were just being so so good, no arguing, no fighting....the two little ones were right there beside me and the big kids were doing their "thing". Kristen was playing on the computer and when I came in to check my email, she had sent me an e-card. She sent the cutest feel better card that really made me smile. She has such a heart of gold and is so thoughtful. I am blessed to have such a sweet girl. Last but not least, I am blessed to have the husband I do, he was out late last night, worked all day and had to be out again tonight (he is gone now). Well, he had planned to come home and nap for a couple hours before he had to leave. I had planned to go to the store when he got home but he went for me since I was laying down. Then, he came home and cooked dinner which meant he only had about 20 minutes to lay down before he had to go. He works so hard for us and never complains. I know he is a blessing from God!
It is so amazing to me, how the Lord really is present, no matter where we are, or what we are doing...or as was my case today, how we are feeling. I have for so long been pushing Him away, just trying to live my life and not really paying attention to what was really going on. It isn't that I didn't think He was there, more like I chose not to acknowledge His presence. As I am trying to focus more on him, I am realizing just how much I have been missing out on. Christ offers us so much joy and hope and peace if we will just accept His offer. The past couple years, I haven't been accepting the offer, instead I have been putting my hands over my eyes and trying not to see. What a loss!! No, I am not proud to say this, but it is true, I am ashamed at the way I have been. My heart just feels so much lighter again now that I have opened my eyes and turned my focus back to where it should have been all along. I praise God that He NEVER leaves us, even when we push Him aside. He is always there waiting with open and loving arms for us to come back to Him. My prayer is that I am disciplined enough to stay on track and to keep looking for His hand in all parts of my life and to praise Him for EVERY blessing, no matter how big or how small....even on the icky tummy days, He is amazing!
Psalm 59:17 O my Strength, I will sing praises to you, for you, O God, are my fortress, the God who shows me steadfast love.
1 Chronicles 16:9 Sing to him; sing praises to him; tell of all his wondrous works!
Psalm 30:12 that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!
Psalm 40:3 He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.
Psalm 42:11 Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

Answers to prayer..

I wasn't going to blog this but the longer I sit here and think about it, I know I should. After all, aren't we supposed to praise God in ALL things, not just the big things? So, the other day I posted how I have been feeling stressed, this stress is coming strictly from financial issues. Yesterday started off in a not so good way, more financial thing and I was extremely stressed, to the point that I was just ready to explode. I was at a loss at what to do to "fix" things. Of course, the problem here was that *I* was trying to fix it, just me, alone.......not a good solution. I had to go to coop, so I just left saying, I will deal with things when I get home. While driving to coop, I started thinking about what to do, and the only solution I came up with was PRAY, just turn it over to the Lord and let HIM show me the answer. Then, when we got to coop, our little devotional we have, was about turning things over to God 100%, not holding on, and trying to do things within our own power. So, that was my answer, I just prayed and said Lord, please show me what to do, show me how we are going to work this out. I went on about my day in a much better way after that point. I tried hard to really let go and let GOD!! Now, on to the REALLY good stuff. When I got home, I logged on to our checking account to take another look....well, I couldn't believe when the check ( a rather large one) that I thought had not cleared, and there wasn't enough money for it to clear, had in fact cleared!! I don't know how I missed it when I had checked earlier that morning, but it had gone through none the less. I immediately, thanked the Lord!! As if that wasn't enough, He did more!! Randy was supposed to have a gig to play Friday night and then found out it was cancelled. We were counting on that money from the gig to help out and were kind of bummed that it fell through. Well, after we came home from church last night, the phone rang and not only did they want them to play Friday night, but now they want them to play Saturday night as well!!! I just can't say how encouraging it was for these blessing to arrive. I know this may not seem like a huge deal to some, and maybe even petty to others, but I don't care. In the place I am right now, so wanting to surrender my life back to Christ and be living the way I need to be, this was a huge blessing. I know without a doubt, if I hadn't prayed and wholeheartedly given this situation over, the outcome would not have happened like it did.
I just want to jump up and down and say PRAISE THE LORD for he is AWESOME!!!

Philippians 4:6 -7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus

I love the stars.......

Yes, I love stars.....not in the nursery rhyme way but in my own special little way. Most people who know me know that the star is a sort of symbol of my marriage and therfore holds a very special meaning in my life. (I mean it must be something special for me to have gotten a tattoo of a star right?!) Anyway......so today just wasn't the best day. Nothing really bad happened, I mean it was pretty much a normal day around here, I have just been in a stressed, feeling down, blah kind of mood. I know maybe it is petty and things could be so so much worse, so many people are dealing with really huge issues so I shouldn't complain. I know we all have days like that though.
OK, back to the stars......I just laid Ian down for the night and was just going to go crawl into my bed and pray tomorrow is a brighter day. I went into the kitchen to do my nightly routine of closing the garage door , locking the doors and getting the coffee pot set for the morning. The garage door woke Maggie ( my puppy) up who was sleeping in her kennel. Of course, this meant I had to go back outside with her one more time. Well, isn't it funny how God works sometimes.......here I was prepared to go to bed....feeling down and dark, planning to just fall asleep wallowing in my self pitty and gloomness........and what is the first thing that catches my eye when I walked out the door, yep, you guessed it! STARS!! The stars just seemed to be extra bright when I went out the door and oh so beautiful! It just made me think, that even in the darkness of the night, God was there! He was right there!! Just like He always has been and always will be, shining His light, giving me His hope, His peace and His comfort, just when I needed to be reminded of it the most. HE is so amazing!! Seeing those stars shining just lifted my heart and let me know that He is in control. No matter how stressing things are, He is right there. He is the constant, the never changing, the one who places the start perfectly in the sky every night.....................HE is in control. How easy it is to let life overwhelm me, but in the darkness, He renews my spirit and gives me peace like nothing else can. It was like, He placed those stars in the sky JUST for me tonight. Praise the LORD, for He is good!!
Now, I am going to bed and instead of worrying about the little things, my last thoughts for the day will be focused on the Lord and His unchanging and unwavering love. I know tomorrow will be okay because HE is Lord!

One of my greatest gifts.....

Sitting here drinking my coffee this morning, the house is quiet still but not for much longer I am sure. We will be on the go shortly. Anyway, I was just sitting here thinking about how I have been blessed in so many ways. It is so easy to get side tracked and take things for granted, I am talking about the every day things that tend to go unnoticed more often than not. Today, I am so thankful for Randy. I know I don't tell him enough and I am trying to get better about that. He works so hard to take care of us and is always trying to do things to make sure we are happy. I am so blessed to have him as my life partner, my hubby, my best friend and my honest to goodness soul mate.
I still like to think about the first days after we met, how excited I was, how I couldn't wait for him to get home, just see his face, hear his voice and feel his arms around me.......and the greatest thing is.....after almost 14 years, I am still feeling the same way. One of my most favorite things in this world is to just curl up in his arms and forget about everything else for just a minute or two. He was my knight in shinning armour then, and he still is. I feel just as excited now as I did when it all began.
I love the way Randy can always make me smile, even when I don't want him to. He can always make me feel better when life just has me down. He is excited with me when I am excited and will cry with me when I just feel like crying.
Yes, there have been hard times, and times that we could have done without, but even then, we knew we would make it through together and we have done just that! I am so proud to say we are still together, when so many people thought it would never last. Today when it seems so many people don't think marriage is important and so easily "give up" just because, it makes me really realize what a special thing we have. It is so nice to know, whatever happens, good or bad, at the end of the day, I know Randy is there for me.
Randy is such a good papa to our kids too. He doesn't think twice about playing with them or doing something silly just to make them laugh. I think that fall right up there as one of my favorite things too.....seeing him play with the kids or just snuggling one of them just makes my heart melt. I could just sit and watch this happening for hours and hours and never get tired of it. There is something so special about seeing the bond between him and the kids.
Well, there is so much more I want to say but I have run out of time for now. It is time to start our day....but, more to come later.

My candle is barely flickering.....

The past while I have been thinking so much about my life....to be more exact, I should say my spiritual life. I don't really know exactly how to explain the spot I am in spiritually.....I guess the best way to describe it is I have been lukewarm, and honestly I am not sure I was even lukewarm. (Revelation 3:16(NIV) So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold). I don't like being this way and I am ready to turn my life back to the Lord and let HIM start my fire again. I know I haven't been opening my heart up like I should be for the past couple years, and I know I have been holding onto a lot of hurt and anger and various other emotions. I am having a hard time putting it all into words, because even though I have had this cold spot in my heart, I also know and am so thankful for the comfort and peace I have had that I know has only come from the Lord. I know I have only been able to make it through this past couple of years because of the hope I have found in Jesus Christ, but yet, I have tried so hard to "avoid" HIM and close my heart's door.
This is my turning point though, I am recommitting my life and my heart and my everything to the Lord. I know this has been a long time coming and my heavenly Father has been waiting with open arms to come back to him. I know I should have never slipped this far "out of touch" and I am longing to get back. I am ready to get out of this darkness and get back into the light of Jesus' grace, mercy and love. I know it has always been right here, always readily available to me, but yet my own stubbornness and hardheadedness wouldn't let me bask in the light. I have been trying my best to hide under that bush, like the song my mama used to always sing to us.....This little light of mine.......hide it under a bush, OH NO!.........but that is exactly what I have been doing. I am ready to come out from under this bush, I am ready to stand fully in the light of the Lord and to do my best to let it shine through me. I want my husband and children to once again see Christ's love shining through me in all that I do. I don't want to be the one blocking His light from shining fully on my family and everyone around me. I am tired of putting on the front that everything is happy happy and all is great. It hasn't been in my heart. I have known this and have kept trying to cover it up, but I am tired and weary from all of this. It is way more work trying to block the light of HIS love than it is to just open up my heart and life and let Him shine His love and His light on and through me. I am ready to make a new start. Starting right now........I am turning my life back into the hands of God...and oh, does it feel wonderful. I feel as though a burden has been lifted from my shoulders. I know the Lord has been with me the entire time, whispering "come back, come back" but yet, I chose to ignore Him. I am not ignoring His voice anymore......I am coming home....back into the loving arms of my Lord and Saviour..............

Some of the reasons......

I know I said this blog was going to be about me and not the kids, but I think this entry is really about me too, even though it involves them! Did that make any sense at all? Oh well, in my mind it did...hahaha
Anyway, I have been feeling really blessed the past little while, well, I have always felt this way when it comes to my kids and my hubby, but sometimes, it just stands out more for whatever reason. So, it just makes my heart smile when I watch my kids and hear some of the things they say. It makes me so thankful to be able to stay home with them and now that we are a home schooling family, I am blessed more and more to have all the time with them instead of missing out on all those minutes during the day that they were away from me. It always reminds me why I wanted so badly to be a mama, and why I am doing JUST that, being a mama and raising my kids!! I hope and pray that I can raise them to be amazing people who truly love God and strive to live according to His will. I pray they always feel love and support and know that I am always here for them. I pray that they always see Christ's love in me. I thought I would just share some of the little things they have done lately to make me smile and to remind me exactly why I am doing what I am doing.....

It makes sense to go in order, so first Aaron, my teenager, yes, I said that, I have a teenager!! How that happened so fast, I don't know. It has been a fun journey with him to say the least. Aaron has a really fun and quirky personality and can ALWAYS make me laugh. I never know what kind of antic he will perform next. I must say, it is really hard to be stern with him when I am laughing!! He is so outgoing and fun and can strike up a conversation with anyone. It makes me so proud when people come to me and tell me what a great kid he is. He is well known by all the neighbors for always being friendly and talking. He has a good head on his shoulders and makes me proud ( most of the time) with how he handles himself and certain situations. No, he is not perfect, and yes, he has done some crazy things that I am not so proud of, but even then, he usually handles things in a mature way and faces the consequences that come with making poor decisions. I love seeing him playing with the younger kids and taking special interest in the things they like. For example, he will make it a point to play with just Momo or just Ian and even does this with the little boys across the street. Then, watching Aaron and Kristen ( when they decide they like each other!!) interact. I love the bond they have. Yes, they fight and argue and are normal siblings but they do have a special bond and I know, they would stand up for each other in an instant.
Speaking of Kristen, she is my mini me...yes, the good and the bad!! HAHAH, I know I just wrote an entire blog about her just the other day but I have to say it again. She is just so much like me, sometimes it is scary! I love it though. Watching her is like watching myself grow up all over again. The only thing different is she is NOT shy like I was, she is also, like Aaron, very outgoing and talkative. She loves to be in the center of everything and doesn't want to "miss" anything. She has a heart of gold and is extremely sensitive. She has a special bubbly personality that can make a gloomy day be bright and full of sunshine. She is my beautiful butterfly!! She loves helping out when she can (well, most of the time) and is ALWAYS offering to do anything for others. She has made me so proud with her caring ways and giving heart. I know one day she will make a wonderful wife and mother.
Next come Morgan, my Momo monkey. What can I say, she is my little miracle that I am so thankful for every day. I don't know what I would have done if we had lost her. Her strong personality and determination, although trying at times, are an inspiration to me. She is a unique little girl and I know she will accomplish everything she sets her mind to as she becomes a woman. She is so spunky and makes me smile with her little musings and things she says. The other day she was riding with me to pick Randy up from work and she wanted me to give her some simple addition problems to answer while we were riding, so I was and she was working them out (counting on her fingers) and giving me the answers. I started really simple.....2 plus 2 .......problems like that. Well, she would hold up 2 fingers on one hand and then 2 on the other hand. I worked up to 6 plus 2...she got quiet for a minute and I could see her in the rear view mirror.....I could tell she was thinking......then she said, but Mama, I only have 2 hands, you can't do that one...she had to use both hands to hold up 6 fingers....and didn't have another hand to add the 2 fingers!! It was so funny. Then again one morning she rode with me to take Randy to work, it is still dark when we left and she asked if Papa ALWAYS went to work that *late*. We were trying to tell her it was early and not late, but she insisted it was *late* because it was dark outside!! By the time we got home and had seen the sunrise on the way home, I had her convinced it was in fact early and not late. The little things like these that I get to experience being home with the kids every day is what reminds me how blessed I really am. What a loss it would be to miss out on all these things that to some may be nothing, but to me, mean so so much.
Last but certainly not least is my little man, Ian, my last baby, my sweet little boy. He has been such a blessing to me. I felt our family was complete when I held him in my arms for the first time. He came to us during such a sad time in our lives and was that little bit of sunshine and hope I needed to keep me going on. I know it may sound crazy...( but I am crazy remember)...but I couldn't help but think, that in my mama losing her life here on earth, he was given life, in order to help me through a dark time. Knowing I was pregnant with him is what kept me going when Mom died. It was sort of like, he was my link to her in a strange sort of way. I don't really know how to explain it better than that. He is so cute and sweet and brings so much joy, as do all of the kids. He has a great personality and I love watching him grow and learn. Hearing him talking more and more everyday and always being amazed when he says something new just brightens my days and can always make me smile. Even when he lets me know exactly how I sound sometimes when he mimics me....Yesterday for instance, he was sitting at the table drinking some water when he knocked his cup over and spilled some. He sounded JUST like me when he he grumbled...."AAARRGGGHHHHHHH, made a mess!! I was thinking to myself...."OH MY, so that is what I sound like when I get aggravated with the messes...." It is enough to make you stop and think before you let things slip out of your mouth for sure!!! He can always make my heart melt with his big green eyes and bring a smile when I am having a bad day with his kisses and hugs. He is my little man.
I thank God everyday for allowing me to be a mama to these four miracles. I hope and pray that I can be the mother God wants me to be. I pray that I can be a good example of God's love to them. They are my world and my heart......

Thoughts about the want-it bug...

Well, I am sitting here drinking my morning coffee and thinking about the day ahead. I was once again reading my friend, Alice's blog and it got me to thinking......imagine that............Alice always seems to have a way to make me think, which is usually a good thing!!

Anyway, Alice had wrote a blog about "STUFF" and materialism. I must admit, I have also been a victim of this worldly materialism that has engulfed so many. Am I proud to admit that....no not at all, not in the least, but it is true. How hard it is to avoid it when it is in our face, all the time, everywhere. In thinking about this, I remembered a little conversation the other day involving one of my neighbors while we were all outside playing. My friend's little boy saw my Morgan drinking a soda, of course, you know what that brought on.....he ran to his mama saying " I want a *doke* ( coke in 3.5 yr old terms)". To this his mama answered, " Well, I know you do, but do you know what, you are not old enough for your wants to hurt you". He gave a little hrrmmmmppphhh and walked off saying, OK. That was the end of it, he never mentioned it again the rest of the afternoon. So, back to my thoughts....how fitting that little conversation was....and how true!! My question is, when are we old enough for our WANTS to hurt us? When I think about it, I guess I have to say, we are never old enough. If we all remembered this thought every time we WANT something, wouldn't that put a hurting, so to speak, on the world of materialism? Yeah, I know that is easier said than done, I will be the first to admit I need to also live with this mindset, but I don't.
I am always saying, I need to clean out this or clean out that, there is just too much STUFF in this house, unnecessary stuff that just sits. As I sit and look around at all the stuff.......and think about when or why it was bought, more often than not, I come to the conclusion, it was just a spur of the moment want, not a need at all. Oh how much simpler life could be if we ( meaning I) would only buy what is needed and not so much what is wanted. I am not saying I am the worst at impulse buying, I really try hard not to buy just for the fun of it ( although, sometimes it is fun), but I have and do fall victim to the "want-it bug". I also know first hand that it is totally possible to live with only the things you need and be perfectly happy. Growing up, we had very little, in this I mean, extremely little, to the point of living with no indoor plumbing, no electricity.....but yet, we were happy. We still had fun, we still smiled and laughed and I have so many wonderful memories. The funny thing is, most of those memories do NOT involve stuff at all. One time in particular was the Christmas Eve that the electricity went out ( this was at a house we did have electricity at). We sat together, Mom, Dad, my brothers and I, and Dad read the Christmas story from the Bible by candle light. How interesting is it that I remember that Christmas, you know the time of year the world had turned into a huge materialism fest, over any other Christmas as a child. Yes, I do remember some of the gifts I received, but more often it isn't the STUFF I received but rather the time spent with family and friends.
Well, this has turned out longer than I meant to make it, so I will close for now. I need to go pick up and straighten up all the STUFF in this house......hmmm, food for thought......

10 years.....

So another year of my kids' birthdays has come and gone. It was fun. Today was Kristen's 10Th birthday. As I sit here typing, I can hear her upstairs giggling with her friends......aah, remembering the fun and excitement of birthday sleepovers. While they are settling in for the night (yeah right, settling in, who am I kidding), I thought I would reminisce for a minute.......

Ten years ago, I gave birth to my first baby girl. I knew from the start having a girl would be wonderful. How I loved to dress her up and show her off. How I loved to sit and rock her, looking into her sweet face and wondering who she would become. My heart melting every time I looked into her deep green eyes, hoping I could be the mama she deserved and praying she would always know how much I love her. Then as the days, weeks, years passed, her sweet personality developed and now I sit and look in amazement at the young woman she is becoming. It makes me so proud to see her interact with others and to hear the compliments I always hear about her. She is such a good girl and has a heart of gold. She shows so much love and care for others, especially those younger than her. She is always so willing to help. Watching her now, is like looking at mirror of myself at 10. She is so much like I was in so many ways, it is truly amazing. It is bittersweet to see my little girl growing up so fast before my eyes, leaving little girlhood behind but I know one day she will become a special woman and will continue to make me proud. Happy Birthday to my beautiful sweet girl....I love you Kristen.

Running on empty...

.......that is how I feel tonight.( and my gas tank will also be by the week's end!!) We had a fun but long day today and will be out again all day tomorrow. Thanks to the wonderful pollen this time of year and me having to to take something for my raging allergies, I feel like I am running on empty (not in a bad way, just crazy busy tiredness). I will be glad when this week ends so I can "refuel" myself........and my gas tank!! OK.....that is it, short and sweet tonight, I hear my pillow calling my name..................

A quiet place to think......

I am not exactly sure what I am going to blog about here. I have been thinking about creating a new blog for awhile now but just haven't done it. Thanks to my friend, Alice, sharing her blog, I decided I would go ahead and create mine here too.
My goal is to blog about the "me" side of life. Just me, the good days and the bad days, the crazy stuff and not so crazy, really just whatever strikes me that day. I have another blog where I mostly post about the kids and day to day life around here. I am sure some of that will spill over into this blog, but mostly, this is going to be just me. I guess you could say, a place for me to think out loud so to speak.
So......don't say I didn't warn you, this blog will be a hodge podge of craziness and probably lots of rambling about who knows what!!